I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
