my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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