I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Randomize
