Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
