I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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