It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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