why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
