WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
