Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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