she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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