In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
