I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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