i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
