Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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