You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
