i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
