sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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