I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
