so explain again why im purple
no
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
