I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
