if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
