woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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