i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Randomize
