I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
