Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
