He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
