I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
