I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
