Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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