No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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