Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
