I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm having to shit out rocks
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
