I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
