I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
