I like my sex mixed with concussions.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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