Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
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