whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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