last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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