walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
