If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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