Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
