I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
