mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize