Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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