dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
