You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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