Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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