I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
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he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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