I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
