I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
