dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
