i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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