Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
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The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
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Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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