She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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