This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
