My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
